Got change?

Once again I have come back to this place. I've been here far too many times. It seems I'm always surprised when I get here. Practicing the very defintion of insanity all of us are familiar with. Change for me has got to get beyond just a good idea and down into my heart where real change begins. The truth is I don't like change or maybe its the effort involved that bring me heart burn. What ever it may be, it must happen. When I look to see that most of what I see I don't like or want, it must happen. A man much wiser than I said, "Change is not change until it becomes change!" Dr. Ed Cole is right. Profound in its simplicity. I know the key to real change is in making little adjustments. Too much at once can be overwelming. Consistancy creates a new patten until the pattern becomes a new way of life. I also know the place I must mount my attack. Its me. I am the only one I can do anything about. Seems I'm the last one I want to try to motivate. The only place know I can begin is to stop blaming others for my plight and accept responsability for my life and its result. Been a victim too long, and allowed others to have an influence that wasn't theirs in my life. After all I am the only constant in all that I'm wanting changed. Prune here, put away there, add this, expand that but above all have I come to the place where I am sick and tired enough to do it? A good begining is important but a good follow through is more important. I may be posting this for myself, but if anyone care to follow this adventure I'll try to keep you posted.

On Eagles Wings

He was one of the most spectacular sights I have ever seen. His wing span must have been a good 8 feet. The speed he was flying let me speechless. He came streaking out of the sky skimmed the water and lifted with a sizable fish in his talons. Banking left and then right, as if to display his prize to all, He then launched for the trees nearly a half mile away. It seemed like an instant and he was there.

There are few creatures that can effect a person quite like the American Bald Eagle. They are common in my part of Florida. Each one I see still stops where I am so I can witness his presence and power. Their appearance strikes awe. What a masterpiece they are. A gift to be enjoyed.

A Haapy Place

It's amazing how the sound of rushing water can chase away all those things that hold your mind captive. This is one of my favorite places in the world for such house cleaning. It's located in the Jefferson National Forest. Each time I visit there I find an excuse to run to this happy place for a time of refreshing. It's a long way from home. When I need it, I can find it in my heart.

Hope you have a place you can you to.

Looking for inspiration.

I am often fascinated with the gifting and talents of people that have impact on a generation. Norman Rockwell was one of those that had the ability to touch the heart of multiple generations through his art. The simplicity of the setting. The attention to detail. The way the emotions were captured on the faces of the people in his painting cause us all to either see ourselves or someone we know and love. He was able to unleash old memories and bring a smile to many faces.

What a gift to be able to share.

Getting Up Again!

It's never going to be a good conversation when your doctor begins his consult with you by blurting out the words "I'm sorry, but you have a rare form of sinus cancer." Who knew there was sinus cancer? I didn't hear another thing he said. I knew I had to see a head and neck oncologist in Tampa. That was all I came out of the consult with. I have to call the doctor's office to find out the name of this particular affliction. Ol factory neuroblastoma.

When you get news like that things change rapidly in your world. There's so much you know you have to learn. Where do I begin to research? Who can I talk to? What does my future hold? Do I even have a future? They say knowledge is power. So I began to research and found it was indeed rare for an adult to be found with this form of cancer. The good news was that because there was an early diagnoses, survival chances where greatly increased. There was a place I came to where I had to stop looking at the disease and focus on not only surviving by overcoming. The consult with the head and neck doctor left me shaken the the prospect of what may have to happen during surgery. Then the tests and evaluations. The endless x rays, questions and arrangements for long distance treatment. There was also learning the culture of cancer. So much so fast.

The more dreadful side of the battle was finding a way to tell friends and family what we were facing. Shock, fear and tears were most often the response. Awkward for everyone. You can see many searching for something healing to say. Encouragement comes from many but not much hope. After all cancer usually doesn't play fair. Most people end up withdrawing after a while, not knowing what to say or do. There are a few that came to take care of some practical things and truly helped by doing some simple things like cut the grass and such. What a blessing!

Then the awful regrets begin to raise their ugly heads. The if only I had done this or said that. I should have spent more time here for with my children, my wife, my God. Fear, sorrow, confusion come to set up house with you. People begin to look at you differently. They talk in different tones and their pity becomes distasteful. Surrounded now only by a select few the next phase is getting ready for the surgery.

Its at times like this you find out what you really believe. Your mortality looking back at you. I've come to far to let go now. I put my life in His hands and choose to believe in His goodness.

Now we look at those things we had put on the back burner. Sitting down with our attorney to be sure the will is in order. Finding the life insurance policies, long term disability all those things we did "just in case." Now we were glad we did. It all begins to become surreal now. This is not supposed ti be happening to me. This crap is for old people.

The description of what was going to have to happen was the thing in which science fiction is birthed. Your going to remove my nose and put it back!?! Remove the sinus wall and drainage tube and what ever else the tumor has effected in the sinus passage. I won't mention what she said she would need to do with my skull. Early detection made the latter unnecessary.

All the preparation well under way. Now the time has come for the operation. We traveled the two hours the night before to Tampa and stay in a hotel near the hospital. I didn't know it then but from that night on my life has never been the same. Sleeping in a room unfamiliar to me was only the beginning. Restless most of the night, waiting for our daughters to join us there. Sleep just teased me some until it was time to shower and get ready to go. My shaved my beard and mustache off. They had long been my identity. Wow I hadn't seen that face in a long time. The beard really helps.

The girls said they would meet us at the hospital. I wonder what I should say to them before the surgery. Just wanted them to know how much I loved them and how proud I am to be their dad.

It was a quiet ride to the hospital. Early morning in April. We checked in and it wasn't any time at all I was whisked off to be prepped from the main event. Wearing that shameless garment you have to wear. Mooning people left and right for a little comic relief. Then to the staging area like livestock. I could hear several others waiting nervously before going under "the knife."

I wasn't able to speak to the girls, they got lost on their way. My heart was broken I couldn't talk to them before. The what ifs have now begun. The ultimate what if is now come to the forefront. What if I don't make it through the surgery? I hoped they knew I how I felt about them. Opportunity lost. I resolved not to let that happen again.

I had to shake that off and focus on coming through this to recovery. Light conversation with my wife. Positive reinforcement that we will get through this. Words of love never have flowed freely from me. The look and a gentle smile. She knows by now. Three squeezes on her hand. I love you.

Then the per op shot and I begin to drift a little. I at least remembered to say goodbye to my wife before being rolled down the hallway to a cold operating room. I began to pray and listened as those in the room were talking about their weekend plans. I closed my eyes and talk to God. Then without knowing it I was out.

I came to in a hospital room. The surgery went well but took a little longer than expected. My face was swollen. I didn't have any felling on the left side of my face. But I was still here and still had a fighting chance. Wires and masks and tube stuck were I didn't want them. My wife was there. All the friends and family that had come earlier were now gone. Back to just us.

Two days in the hospital and released. Time to heal a little before we decide what the next steps are. Things are not the same. But I am grateful to be alive and have the chance to be here a while longer. You learn to adjust and adapt to the changes. You just can't lay there you have to get up again.

We'll look at phase two shortly.

Yes, child we will make it.

As a kid in elementary school we would have to go into the hallways, sit on the floor facing the walls with our hands covering our heads. Why? you ask. Because the Russians parked warheads 90 miles off the coast of Florida. This was practice for bombing raids. Things got tense, there was a face off and the warheads went away. Yes, child we will make it.

A few years later while on the playground we were called to our classroom to hear the announcement tat our President had been assassinated in Dallas. I wasn't sure what assassinated meant but it couldn't have been good because they were closing the school. Once again in the midst of trying times abrupt change and grieving. Moving on to a new man in office. Watching the state funeral on our TVs. Saying goodbye and looking for a future. Yes, child we will make it.

Involvement in a war our leaders would let us win. The generation tired of the hypocrisy began to find a voice. Two mantras became the cry of this new generation. Hell No We Won't Go, and Drugs, Sex, and Rock and Roll. The effort to try and control these radicals opened the door for conflict. Turbulence became the norm. Riots in the streets, on the college campuses and at political conventions. Two more leaders dead. One with a dream, the other with a vision both paid a price for being who they were. For dead in Ohio. In the midst of all this term oil we put a man on the moon. We all stopped to take notice. Yes, child we will make it.

Corruption exposed in Washington. First a Vice President left in disgrace. Then a President is forced to resign. Many in his cabinet sent to prison. The withdrawal from Asia and not knowing what to do with those who fought for us, we rejected them and made them feel they were the bad guys instead of the heroes they were. Our walking wounded now among us, the cry for change in Washington gave us weak leadership with grand ideas of how government could fix it all. We got double digit inflation, massive unemployment and deep recession. A housing market that was flat. Layoffs and companies we thought would be here forever toppled and fell. The country went into survival mode. Yes, child we will make it.

I could go on to describe the other changes we have experienced in this country. Some to our detriment and some through accomplishment. The fact is its the people not the government that makes this nation great. We have come through so many things and are still standing. This change we are facing now we will also survive in spite of what we are being told. Each change has come with a price. Let's learn from were we have come from and not give up our freedom for anything. Yes, child we will make it.

Gone on the Fourth of July

Phyllis Money was a friend of mine. She spent 87 years on this earth, so full of life I thought she'd be here forever. Born on Veteran's Day, she said as a child she thought all the parades were for her birthday. I suppose she knew she was special from the beginning. "I take care of old people" she would say. She worked for an assisted living company taking care of seniors most of which were younger than Phyllis. Being old was a state of mind to her. She wasn't ready to move to that state.

She loved to share stories of her life as a child in West Virginia and all the other places throughout the country she had lived. She would draw you in with tales of adventure and the awkward situations she would find herself in. She would bring you to tears with laughter as she describe in detail all her trials and tribulations. Many of her adventures came by simply taking the time to talk with people and soon she'd be wandering off to a new experience.

The ability to really talk to people was what was unique about Phyllis. Even when speaking to a small group of people, she made you fell she was giving it all to you. When it was your turn to talk she listened and even heard what was being said. Her countenance would light up when she spoke of her children and grandchildren. Her gracious smile, pure white hair, the life in her eyes and excitement in her voice kept all who listened engaged. She was a genuine treasure, a pearl of great price.

Having out lived four husbands she decided she didn't need another one, her Lord would take care of her. He seemed to be at her beckon call. She never wanted for anything and was able to lay hold of her desires. She was an encourager to many, a fine example of what a genuine Christian should be. Knew God's love for her and His love for you too. She spoke her mind when she needed too. She always said what she meant and meant what she said. She always tempered it with love. A seeker of adventure, a flurry of activity, a dreamer with the boldness to pursue her dreams.

She left us on the Fourth of July after fulfilling her last dream. She wanted to go to Africa to visit her daughter and her husband and visit an African game preserve. The trip would cost a lot of money which seemed to just flow to her. She made her trip, fulfilled her dream and left us to remember that your never too old to dream and never to old to live your dreams.

Thank you, Phyllis.
You are missed and will be remembered.